UNALASKA, Alaska—
The way Sgt. Jennifer Shockley writes it, the wild and woolly Unalaska, Alaska could be a magical land full of mysterious creatures and strange customs.
Take this recent entry in her now famous Unalaska Police Blotter:
Animal - Petite piles of poo promulgated by pets prompted a protest to police.
But dog problems on the Bering Sea island are minimal compared to the eagle issues.
“Seems like the last three or four years we’ve had several incidents per year of people getting attacked by eagles,” Shockley said in an interview. “It sounds really crazy, but it’s not really funny for the people it happens to.”
When it does happen, Shockley, formerly a wildlife biologist, relishes the opportunity to mix two of her favorite passions, wildlife and words.
“I have a really strong interest in wildlife and fisheries issues,” Shockley said. “You know, environmental issues because my educational background is in that. I have a good vocabulary in that as well.”
While her biology background is school-earned, her way with words is self-taught.
Shockley sits at her desk with impeccable posture, perhaps more because there is a large gun strapped to her side and a belt full of police tools to keep her from slouching.
Above her desk is a sign that reads ‘Grammar Police.’ And a dictionary and well-used thesaurus are within an arm’s reach just above her head.
To look at her, you wouldn’t know she has a way with words. To know that, you have to follow her police blotter entries, which go back about five years now.
Take this recent entry, it has her fingerprints all over it:
Public Safety - Category 1 travel advisory issued due to continued weather potentially deleterious to safe driving.
She is a master of understated gems like this:
MVA Damage - A driver who elected to take a running start out of an icy parking lot and into traffic failed to take into account that other motorists might also be using the roadway and promptly struck a passing vehicle. No injuries, moderate damages and the driver was cited for Failure to Exercise Due Care.
“I enjoy words, the way the English language can be manipulated to so accurately describe a situation is really neat,” Shockley said. “It’s just something I enjoy doing.”
Aside from a few concerned calls from people who don’t want their names mentioned in the blotter, the island’s weekly naughty list reads like a coconut telegraph penned by Emily Dickinson or Dorothy L. Sayers.
“Jennifer Shockley has a great sense of humor, and she’s a frustrated writer from way back,” Unalaska mayor Shirley Marquardt said.
The mayor often peeks in on Shockley’s blotter just to see how she’s written things.
“What she does is put a really human, fun face to a community that is known as just the hard-working, Deadliest Catch boat place,” Marquardt said. “It’s Dutch Harbor, and it shows people that hey, this is kind of an interesting community and somebody out there certainly has a good sense of humor and is allowed to exercise it.”
Shockley is more than ‘allowed to exercise it,’ she was assigned it, in fact.
“Shortly after I came back in 2006 this was assigned to me because our then-director decided that we needed to be putting out something to keep the public apprised of what we’re doing,” Shockley said. “What do these police officers do when there appears that there is no crime?”
What police officers do in Unalaska has a lot to do with alcohol.
“Alcohol intoxication is such a common part of what we deal with,” Shockley said. “I don’t think there is anybody who wouldn’t admit that people do stupid things when we’re drunk. And sometimes those stupid things are really funny.”
Drunk Disturbance - A drunken man reported a fight with other inebriates at the Grand Aleutian Hotel. Officers arrived to find, after wading through testimony of a dozen, or so, people, sober and otherwise, that the original caller had instigated most of the problems about which he was complaining.
“We’re the sober officers responding to these things,” Shockley said. “It’s very easy for us to see them as really funny. Even if those involved don’t appreciate the humor until later.”
These days the Unalaska Police Blotter is a bit less Wild West than it was when the infamous Elbow Room was open.
The bar’s demise certainly put a dent in the drunken blotter fodder, but it didn’t lessen the literary prowess of the police archives.
“Things have definitely mellowed since I started here in 1998,” Shockley said. “We’ve definitely seen a reduction, not so much in the number of calls we have, but the kind of calls that result in criminal events.”
In the summer, it’s bald eagle attacks and an occasional wild horse attack.
“We had a fellow, several years ago, who was out riding his bike and was actually chased by the feral horses that we have a couple of miles out of town,” Shockley said.
That resulted in this gem:
Animal - A herd of hostile horses harassed a cyclist as he was riding his bike near Morris Cove. The complainant positively identified the suspect equine. The responding officer informed the cyclist that the stallions might be gelded soon, with resultant decreased testosterone levels and concomitant displays of aggressive behavior.
“You can’t make up stuff like that,” Shockley said.
Perpetually cloudy Unalaska might be a good hideout for dark-loving vampires, of which there have been two reported incidents in the last five years, according to Shockley, but lately it’s the wildlife, domestic and otherwise, featured prominently in the blotter.
Animal - A dog, which had made itself at home in a processing plant galley, was impounded and moved to far-less tasty digs.
Or this oldie, but goodie:
Animal - Three juvenile boys phoned police and reported they had taken refuge inside a piece of playground equipment because they were in fear of imminent attack by a bald eagle.
“It’s like mother nature is trying to get back at us,” Shockley said.
Shockley’s literary gems have found their way around the world, thanks in part to the attention grabbing “Deadliest Catch” and a write-up by the Los Angeles Times in 2009.
And everyone from the mayor to the town’s pastor want to know when Shockely will turn her nuggets into a novel.
“I was approached about a book a couple of years ago,” Shockley said. “Maybe because it’s already a part of my job I just couldn’t get excited about it.”
And fans of Shockley might miss the little understated humorous posts that keep them opening the Unalaska Police Blotter week after week.
Things like this:
Ambulance request - EMS provided care and transportation for a woman with an injured elbow.
Ambulance request - EMS provided care and transportation for a man who’d been hit in the head with an elbow.
You can’t make this stuff up, but Shockley does a great job of making it look good.
Take this recent entry in her now famous Unalaska Police Blotter:
Animal - Petite piles of poo promulgated by pets prompted a protest to police.
But dog problems on the Bering Sea island are minimal compared to the eagle issues.
“Seems like the last three or four years we’ve had several incidents per year of people getting attacked by eagles,” Shockley said in an interview. “It sounds really crazy, but it’s not really funny for the people it happens to.”
When it does happen, Shockley, formerly a wildlife biologist, relishes the opportunity to mix two of her favorite passions, wildlife and words.
“I have a really strong interest in wildlife and fisheries issues,” Shockley said. “You know, environmental issues because my educational background is in that. I have a good vocabulary in that as well.”
While her biology background is school-earned, her way with words is self-taught.
Shockley sits at her desk with impeccable posture, perhaps more because there is a large gun strapped to her side and a belt full of police tools to keep her from slouching.
Above her desk is a sign that reads ‘Grammar Police.’ And a dictionary and well-used thesaurus are within an arm’s reach just above her head.
To look at her, you wouldn’t know she has a way with words. To know that, you have to follow her police blotter entries, which go back about five years now.
Take this recent entry, it has her fingerprints all over it:
Public Safety - Category 1 travel advisory issued due to continued weather potentially deleterious to safe driving.
She is a master of understated gems like this:
MVA Damage - A driver who elected to take a running start out of an icy parking lot and into traffic failed to take into account that other motorists might also be using the roadway and promptly struck a passing vehicle. No injuries, moderate damages and the driver was cited for Failure to Exercise Due Care.
“I enjoy words, the way the English language can be manipulated to so accurately describe a situation is really neat,” Shockley said. “It’s just something I enjoy doing.”
Aside from a few concerned calls from people who don’t want their names mentioned in the blotter, the island’s weekly naughty list reads like a coconut telegraph penned by Emily Dickinson or Dorothy L. Sayers.
“Jennifer Shockley has a great sense of humor, and she’s a frustrated writer from way back,” Unalaska mayor Shirley Marquardt said.
The mayor often peeks in on Shockley’s blotter just to see how she’s written things.
“What she does is put a really human, fun face to a community that is known as just the hard-working, Deadliest Catch boat place,” Marquardt said. “It’s Dutch Harbor, and it shows people that hey, this is kind of an interesting community and somebody out there certainly has a good sense of humor and is allowed to exercise it.”
Shockley is more than ‘allowed to exercise it,’ she was assigned it, in fact.
“Shortly after I came back in 2006 this was assigned to me because our then-director decided that we needed to be putting out something to keep the public apprised of what we’re doing,” Shockley said. “What do these police officers do when there appears that there is no crime?”
What police officers do in Unalaska has a lot to do with alcohol.
“Alcohol intoxication is such a common part of what we deal with,” Shockley said. “I don’t think there is anybody who wouldn’t admit that people do stupid things when we’re drunk. And sometimes those stupid things are really funny.”
Drunk Disturbance - A drunken man reported a fight with other inebriates at the Grand Aleutian Hotel. Officers arrived to find, after wading through testimony of a dozen, or so, people, sober and otherwise, that the original caller had instigated most of the problems about which he was complaining.
“We’re the sober officers responding to these things,” Shockley said. “It’s very easy for us to see them as really funny. Even if those involved don’t appreciate the humor until later.”
These days the Unalaska Police Blotter is a bit less Wild West than it was when the infamous Elbow Room was open.
The bar’s demise certainly put a dent in the drunken blotter fodder, but it didn’t lessen the literary prowess of the police archives.
“Things have definitely mellowed since I started here in 1998,” Shockley said. “We’ve definitely seen a reduction, not so much in the number of calls we have, but the kind of calls that result in criminal events.”
In the summer, it’s bald eagle attacks and an occasional wild horse attack.
“We had a fellow, several years ago, who was out riding his bike and was actually chased by the feral horses that we have a couple of miles out of town,” Shockley said.
That resulted in this gem:
Animal - A herd of hostile horses harassed a cyclist as he was riding his bike near Morris Cove. The complainant positively identified the suspect equine. The responding officer informed the cyclist that the stallions might be gelded soon, with resultant decreased testosterone levels and concomitant displays of aggressive behavior.
“You can’t make up stuff like that,” Shockley said.
Perpetually cloudy Unalaska might be a good hideout for dark-loving vampires, of which there have been two reported incidents in the last five years, according to Shockley, but lately it’s the wildlife, domestic and otherwise, featured prominently in the blotter.
Animal - A dog, which had made itself at home in a processing plant galley, was impounded and moved to far-less tasty digs.
Or this oldie, but goodie:
Animal - Three juvenile boys phoned police and reported they had taken refuge inside a piece of playground equipment because they were in fear of imminent attack by a bald eagle.
“It’s like mother nature is trying to get back at us,” Shockley said.
Shockley’s literary gems have found their way around the world, thanks in part to the attention grabbing “Deadliest Catch” and a write-up by the Los Angeles Times in 2009.
And everyone from the mayor to the town’s pastor want to know when Shockely will turn her nuggets into a novel.
“I was approached about a book a couple of years ago,” Shockley said. “Maybe because it’s already a part of my job I just couldn’t get excited about it.”
And fans of Shockley might miss the little understated humorous posts that keep them opening the Unalaska Police Blotter week after week.
Things like this:
Ambulance request - EMS provided care and transportation for a woman with an injured elbow.
Ambulance request - EMS provided care and transportation for a man who’d been hit in the head with an elbow.
You can’t make this stuff up, but Shockley does a great job of making it look good.
