It's a poignant reminder of why lizards have, over the last million years, developed those heavy, Emma Stone eyelids — so that when they're barreling across Arizona on a road trip, they have an extra layer of protection when hurricane-force winds begin to tear apart their overpriced German sedans.
Obviously, I'm self-medicating with baseball again, something my doctor recommended when I started responding to unsolicited Internet ads:
"We wish to inform you that we can supply canned tuna as per your demand," the email offered.
Sensing an opportunity, I send a friend 450 metric tons of chunk tuna by way of Cameroon. I may also have a bead on some medium-density pond liners.
So, putting such stresses aside for a moment, we're heading to spring training, Blythe our first stop.
There is not much between L.A. and Phoenix, except this sparkling border town of Blythe, where they rarely clean the one restroom, and if they do, they seem to rush the corners a little.
There is not much to eat here either, but that's OK, I'm now on the Mike Trout diet:
--Milkshake for breakfast.
--Two milkshakes for lunch.
--Three milkshakes for dinner, plus wings.
Blythe can easily meet these demands.
By midnight, my buddy Howard and I roll into Goodyear, which as far as I can tell, is a suburb of Glendale, which is a suburb of Phoenix, itself not so much a city as a cluster of suburbs, mini-marts and golf courses.
Thankfully, Phoenix also features 10 of the finest spring training complexes ever built, a mere six hours away by decaying German sedan.
Wondering now just how informative this little exercise is going to be? Me too, though that was never my goal.
But I'll offer up this:
--Tip No. 1: The Dodgers hold an open tryout each spring, no reservations necessary. So should you and a couple of buddies ever consider a spring training trip, schedule it around this annual audition, baseball's equivalent to "A Chorus Line." One singular sensation, ev'ry little throw you make....
This year, the tryout drew some 100 contestants, including 54-year-old knuckleballer Tom Wright, who seemed to impress Tom Lasorda.