And still he couldn't help Obama, causing Wambsgans to become even more suspicious.
"We'd refill (the heads) every day, but Obama was visibly dry and was failing to grow. I had a sneaking suspicion," Wambsgans said.
So without my knowledge, they sneaked into the Tribune test kitchen and filched some measuring cups. Then they filled the heads with water and dumped the contents into the cups. They found that Romney's head held about 200 milliliters of water more than Obama's. This, they said, was obvious proof of a political fix.
Of course, Old School carefully forgot to announce the fact that he'd been secretly refilling Obama's head in a futile attempt to make things even.
"It's clear Romney has an advantage over the president's smaller head," he insisted. "That's totally unfair."
What would you have poor Romney do, I cried. Cut off half of his Chia Head and give it to the Obama head to make things even? It's not Romney's fault that he has an exceptional greenfro.
Old School didn't answer because he was already on the phone with the owner of the Chia Pet empire, Joseph Pedott, a Chicago native born in the Wicker Park neighborhood. It didn't take long for Old School to blab his big "news" that the Chia contest was fixed.
"Oh, my gosh, I never knew that!" Pedott said. "I had no idea."
Really? It's your business, Joe.
Pedott said the contest between the two unequal heads, one large and full of liquid, and the other small and often dry, was no contest at all. He thanked Old School and Wambsgans for their detective work.
"I'm glad it turned out that way," Pedott said. "They should have really been the same, but if one has more water, I can understand why one would grow more fully than the other."
Of course, I'd argue that Old School's determination to keep funneling excess water into Obama's head in a desperate scheme to even things up was a factor too, but what I say doesn't matter. It's what you say, on Tuesday, alone in the voting booth, that matters.
But watch the video to see for yourself who's got the head for the job.
Twitter @John_Kass
