Sneaking food into the movies starts off small but quickly escalates:
First it's the small bag of M&Ms, followed by the bottle of water, the home-popped popcorn, the fast-food meal, the picnic spread … until one day you find yourself grilling.
So, is it wrong to sneak your own snacks into a movie theater?
Um, is it wrong for movie theaters to make you buy soda in humongous ice-filled vats that are too large for the cup holders and thus have to be position between your legs resulting in certain sensitive areas being susceptible to a hard freeze?
The truth is, everyone smuggles stuff into the movies.
One reason they do this is because theaters take way too much advantage of their captive clientele. Really, they can't sell popcorn in something other than a trash can size tub, or a candy bar that isn't the size of a 2 by 4?
Another reason people bring their own munchies to the movies is because they can.
How are you going to keep the contraband out?
Reeces Pieces scanners?
Snack sniffing dogs?
Pat downs and strip searches? (Nice try with the Tootsie Roll, sir.)
Sure, theaters could hire snack police to patrol the aisles but unless they stumble upon someone chomping on a foot-long grinder or having a pizza delivered, how effective are they going to be in the dark?
The other problem with snack police (people formerly known as ushers) is that their presence might inhibit those who are providing a running commentary on the movie, or talking on their phones.
While I generally support every moviegoers right to life, liberty and the pursuit of Goobers at a reasonable price, I do so with two exceptions:
Loud snacks: Bring a bag of potato chips or pretzels infringes on my right to hear the movie.
Wine: While I am neutral on adults enjoying a glass of wine, I very much am opposed to anyone enjoying a glass of wine at a Woody Allen movie. I mean, look at yourself; you're already at a Woody Allen movie.
What is needed here is a compromise.
If movie theaters agree to stop charging outrageous prices for grossly oversized snacks, we movie goers will agree to stop stuffing everything but the Thanksgiving turkey down out pants when we visit.
Deal?
