I’ve long had a suspicion that Barack Hussein Obama is in fact the anti-Christ.
There’s a compelling body of evidence to back this up, including the fact that Bible prophecy tells us the return of Satan on earth will be a Muslim leader from the Dark Continent.
After Sunday night, though, I realized Obama was a convenient ruse to throw us God-fearing Americans off the trail of the true Dark Lord. Oh, there’s no doubt Obama is in league with the devil, but he is but one of many high-ranking officials in Satan’s army, meant to shift attention away from a leader still growing into his role and paving the way for the Apocalypse and his reign of evil.
When young Justin Bieber became the youngest person to ever be named the American Music Awards’ artist of the year on the way to capturing a total of four awards, I realized then the pint-sized Canadian was not a product of the Great White North but of the Great Black Abyss to the south.
No, not Mexico — hell.
It’s ridiculous to think that many of us are still asleep to this fact, while he continues to embed himself into so many areas of our daily lives, easing out Jesus’ word with syrupy sweet hymns of white bread pop R&B — the gospel according to Bieber. Hit singles, platinum albums, movies, “Saturday Night Live,” Tiger Beat, any cheap item produced in bulk in a Third World nation that can have a mop-topped photo thermally bonded to it and sold at Wal-Mart.
Like Justin, Damien from “The Omen” was about 16 years old when he began to realize his true potential and his calling. Whether this is a true statement is irrelevant, because it sounds right and fits the storyline.
I’ve always fancied myself a bit of a Bible scholar, finding End Times prophecy in the most mundane of passages and the tamest of real-world situations, and somewhere in there the Good Book tells me that Satan planted the seed of discontent first in the children, who would grow to form a great army of the underworld.
With that in mind, look around; look at your own child for the signs of the coming Armageddon. Is there a room full of Bieber posters, T-shirts, notebooks? Maybe a backpack or folder emblazoned with this blue-eyed, silver-throated devil?
If there is, beware. Look deep into your child’s eyes and see if there is that vacant, soulless, thousand-yard stare of someone ready to commit unspeakable acts ... but don’t do this after your kid has been playing Wii or Facebooking for hours. Every test has to have a control.
By the time this holiday season is over, so might be any hope of fighting off the Bieber’s Satanic influence on humanity. Black Friday will undoubtedly make obtaining Bieber merchandise that much more affordable. Don’t be swayed by your preteen’s crying, for they know not what they do.
Sending them to their room screaming today is better running to your room screaming tomorrow, when He calls on his child army to kill as one.
It was so much easier to believe that Obama was the anti-Christ, because he might just be in his death throes, looking up from the bottom of the polls at a single term.
The Bieber, however, is a devil not in his twilight, but a great winged beast ascending to immortality, who will rule the world and force his sweeping, eyebrow-level, Ellen Degeneres bob on every last one of us, the same creepy hairstyle that hides his true mark — the number of the beast — 666.