'Thanks' just isn't enough

The names sit like scattered ashes, enough sacrifice to turn an entire page gray as a tombstone on Memorial Day weekend.

Nearly 500 California troops have been killed in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan since 2001.

The list takes us from Roberto Abad, 22, of Bell Gardens, whose girlfriend was expecting their first child, to Benjamin T. Zieske, 20, of Concord, whose mother said: "He went over as a boy and died as a man. I could tell."

Some go believing in a cause.

Some go to honor relatives who went before them.

Some go to earn citizenship, or because their lives lack structure or purpose, or because the military is the closest thing to family they'll ever know.

Regardless of where they come from or why they go, all troops in Iraq and Afghanistan balance a belief in their own survival against unrelenting evidence of the randomness of death.

"Miss you all. Love you. Hope to see you again," Army Spc. James L. Beckstrand, 27, of Escondido said in his last e-mail to friends before he was killed in 2004 by a car bomb in Iraq.

Army Sgt. Michael S. Hancock of Yreka was 29 at the time of his death in 2003.

"He couldn't wait to get back home and play with the kids and go have dinner with me," said his wife, Jeannie. "He was beautiful with the kids."

I suspect that many of those who never got back home worried less about dying than about the impact on loved ones, knowing the fracture that would begin with a knock at the door.

Grieving spouses, children, brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers delivered to a state of irrevocable loss. All of them left to wonder why and what might have been, the small moments of the day filled with solemn reflection.

"You are a great father!" 15-year-old Vanessa Jimenez wrote after her father, 34-year-old Marine Lt. Oscar Jimenez, was killed in 2004 on his third tour.

The San Diego man had promised Vanessa, one of two children, that it would be his last tour.

"You are my Marine hero!" Vanessa wrote. "And you will always be my hero forever!"

Navy Petty Officer Michael A. Monsoor, 25, of Garden Grove jumped on a grenade in September 2006 to save fellow troops.

Said President Bush at Monsoor's Medal of Honor ceremony:

"One of the survivors put it this way: 'Mikey looked death in the face that day and said, you cannot take my brothers. I will go in their stead.' "

I don't know where that kind of courage and selflessness come from, but I fear the cost of defining war as a stage on which heroes find glory in death. The truth is harder, lonelier and crueler.

la-me-lopez25-2008may25
NASA Photos Show Pavlof Volcano Eruption from Space » NASA Photos Show Pavlof Volcano Eruption from... Photo Gallery: Aerial Views of Yukon River Ice Jam » Photo Gallery: Aerial Views of Yukon River... 2013 Gold Nugget Triathlon » 2013 Gold Nugget Triathlon Photos: Pavlof Volcano Erupting » Photos: Pavlof Volcano Erupting Spenard Farmer's Market Kicks Off 4th Season » Spenard Farmer's Market Kicks Off 4th Season Trekkies at the museum » Trekkies at the museum Bike to Work Day 2013 » Bike to Work Day 2013 Photo Gallery: Pamyua Plays for ANHC Crowd on Mother's Day » Photo Gallery: Pamyua Plays for ANHC Crowd on... Photo Gallery: Faster Than a Falcon 5k Run » Photo Gallery: Faster Than a Falcon 5k Run Photos: 'Back to the Future' DeLorean Replica » Photos: 'Back to the Future' DeLorean Replica Photo Gallery:  Back to the Future DeLorean Visits Alaska » Photo Gallery: Back to the Future DeLorean... Photo Gallery: APD Medals of Valor and Shield Awards » Photo Gallery: APD Medals of Valor and Shield... 13th Annual Bike for Women » 13th Annual Bike for Women Great Alaska Aviation Gathering Celebrates 16 Years » Great Alaska Aviation Gathering Celebrates 16... Photo Gallery: Commissioning of the USS Anchorage » Photo Gallery: Commissioning of the USS... Photo Gallery: 22nd Annual Salmon Run 2K, 5K and 10K » Photo Gallery: 22nd Annual Salmon Run 2K,... Photo Gallery: Walk and Roll for Hope 2013 » Photo Gallery: Walk and Roll for Hope 2013 Photos: On Board The USS Anchorage » Photos: On Board The USS Anchorage NYO 2013, Day 3 (More Photos) » NYO 2013, Day 3 (More Photos) Denali Base Camp » Denali Base Camp NYO 2013: Day 3: One-Foot High Kick, Seal Hop, Alaska Native Dance Performances, and Closing Ceremonies » NYO 2013: Day 3: One-Foot High Kick, Seal... Heart Run 2013 » Heart Run 2013 Native Youth Olympics Day 2: One Hand Reach and Two Foot Kick » Native Youth Olympics Day 2: One Hand Reach... Photo Gallery: Clark Mishler's 'Portrait Alaska' » Photo Gallery: Clark Mishler's 'Portrait... Photos: NYO 2013: Day 1 » Photos: NYO 2013: Day 1 Unalakleet Clean Water Struggle » Unalakleet Clean Water Struggle Slush Cup 2013 (part 2) » Slush Cup 2013 (part 2) Slush Cup 2013 (Part 1) » Slush Cup 2013 (Part 1) Newborn Reindeer Calves at the Palmer Reindeer Farm » Newborn Reindeer Calves at the Palmer... Piuraagiaqta 2013: Barrow's Spring Festival » Piuraagiaqta 2013: Barrow's Spring Festival Giant Pacific Octopus Eggs Hatching » Giant Pacific Octopus Eggs Hatching 2013 Arctic Man » 2013 Arctic Man 20th Alaska Custom Cycle Show » 20th Alaska Custom Cycle Show Hand Counting Write-In Votes: Ernie Hall vs. Nick Moe » Hand Counting Write-In Votes: Ernie Hall vs.... Food Truck Carnival in Spenard » Food Truck Carnival in Spenard Rage City Rollergirls » Rage City Rollergirls Photos: Deadly Shooting in Fairview, Anchorage Police Officers Involved » Photos: Deadly Shooting in Fairview,... Photos: 2013 Municipal Election » Photos: 2013 Municipal Election Photo Gallery: Helo-1 and Crash Victims » Photo Gallery: Helo-1 and Crash Victims Ida'ina Gathering 2013 at Dena'ina Center » Ida'ina Gathering 2013 at Dena'ina Center The 2013 Sportsman Show » The 2013 Sportsman Show Photo Gallery: 2013 'Choose Respect' March in Anchorage » Photo Gallery: 2013 'Choose Respect' March in... Photo Gallery: Food Bank of Alaska's Canstruction 2013 » Photo Gallery: Food Bank of Alaska's... Funeral Service for Fallen VPSO Thomas Madole Held in Anchorage » Funeral Service for Fallen VPSO Thomas Madole... Kali, Orphaned Polar Bear Cub, at Alaska Zoo » Kali, Orphaned Polar Bear Cub, at Alaska Zoo Photo Gallery: Alaska State Troopers Armored Vehicles » Photo Gallery: Alaska State Troopers... World Baseball Classic: Puerto Rico vs. Dominican Republic » World Baseball Classic: Puerto Rico vs.... Photo Gallery: Kulluk Loading Aboard Xiang Rui Kou » Photo Gallery: Kulluk Loading Aboard Xiang... Photo Gallery: Recovered Polar Bear Cub Delivered to Alaska Zoo » Photo Gallery: Recovered Polar Bear Cub... Museum in Mountain View Name Changed » Museum in Mountain View Name Changed World Baseball Classic: Semi Final Game One: Puerto Rico v Japan » World Baseball Classic: Semi Final Game One:... Matzah Bakery » Matzah Bakery 2013 Oosik Classic Ski Race/Tour » 2013 Oosik Classic Ski Race/Tour 2013 Shamrock Shuffle » 2013 Shamrock Shuffle Pink Floyd Light Show at the Anchorage Science Museum » Pink Floyd Light Show at the Anchorage... Daytona Bike Week: National Guard SuperBike Race 1 » Daytona Bike Week: National Guard SuperBike... World Baseball Classic Round 2 Miami: USA v. Puerto Rico » World Baseball Classic Round 2 Miami: USA v.... Photos: ASD Names New Superintendent as Jim Browder Retires » Photos: ASD Names New Superintendent as Jim... World Baseball Classic: Round 2 Miami, Game One: Italy v. Dominican Republic » World Baseball Classic: Round 2 Miami, Game... Photos: Empty Bowl Project at Egan Center » Photos: Empty Bowl Project at Egan Center Photo Gallery: Moose Rescue at Alexander Creek » Photo Gallery: Moose Rescue at Alexander... Jesus Christ Superstar » Jesus Christ Superstar Iditarod Day 5: Dropped Dogs in McGrath » Iditarod Day 5: Dropped Dogs in McGrath The 41st Annual Student art exhibition » The 41st Annual Student art exhibition Photo Gallery: Rotten Matanuska Creamery Cheese » Photo Gallery: Rotten Matanuska Creamery... Anchorage Police Respond to Armed Man near O'Malley Road » Anchorage Police Respond to Armed Man near O'... Iditarod Official Start (Aerial Photos) » Iditarod Official Start (Aerial Photos) Iditarod Official Start (Pre race, Mushers and Handlers) » Iditarod Official Start (Pre race, Mushers... Iditarod Official Start (Mushers 2 - 16) » Iditarod Official Start (Mushers 2 - 16) Iditarod Official Start (Mushers 17 - 67) » Iditarod Official Start (Mushers 17 - 67) Rondy Day 9: Running of the Reindeer pt 1 » Rondy Day 9: Running of the Reindeer pt 1 Rondy Day 9: Running of the Reindeer pt 2 » Rondy Day 9: Running of the Reindeer pt 2 Iditarod Ceremonial Start » Iditarod Ceremonial Start Rondy Day 8: Scale Model Club Exhibit » Rondy Day 8: Scale Model Club Exhibit Photo Gallery: Marti Reads to the Kids » Photo Gallery: Marti Reads to the Kids