In one episode of the ribald old television show "Married With Children," the delightfully dimwitted Kelly Bundy is justifiably worried about a pending high school math test, although she has other assets that often serve her well.
As the episode begins, she is studying sample math questions at her kitchen table and gets completely befuddled by one that asks how many potatoes there will be in each portion if 50 potatoes are divided in half. "I know, I know!" she finally blurts. "Short skirt for math Monday."
Later in the episode, Kelly returns home, slightly disheveled and wearing an oh-so-provocative short skirt and tight top. "Well, I passed math," she triumphantly announces with a smile. "French, too, and I'm not even taking that."
You can see why Kelly Bundy would have vigorously opposed blah school uniforms.
I thought about that "MWC" episode Friday when I saw the front page of The Morning Call. The story said the Allentown School Board's Education Committee has again raised the "itchy subject of requiring school uniforms."
The idea has been around for years, but lately it seems to be gaining momentum because of "scantily clad students who ignore the district's unenforceable dress code to act sexy or defiant, or think their particular style is just fine."
The new mandatory rules could begin with the school year starting in September 2013 for elementary schools, 2014 for middle schools and 2015 for the city's two high schools.
The advantages of uniforms include fewer distractions, less bullying based on sartorial disapproval, an end to offensive displays such as street gang symbols, and a ban on sexually suggestive or crude outfits, such as pants that sag low enough to show off underwear — not to mention less expense for parents.
The school board, meeting Thursday evening, decided to let Superintendent Russ Mayo go forward with the implementation of a plan for uniforms, starting with letters sent to parents and others on May 30 regarding the formation of a uniforms committee this summer. The committee will do some studies and make its recommendations next January, and the board can act on them around that time.
Although Allentown has a dress code, stipulating what can and cannot be worn, board member Joanne Jackson, a teacher in Bethlehem, said that dress codes do not work, because students simply break them on purpose to exert power.
(That reinforces a point I've stressed for years — public school faculty members and other school officials should have the power to throw problem students out on their ears, shifting the burden of proof to the brats and their parents before they are allowed back in any publicly-funded school.)
Friday's story pointed out that parochial schools and charter schools (part of the public school system) require uniforms, with excellent results, as do eight other school districts in Pennsylvania. The Stroudsburg Area, Philadelphia and Pittsburgh school districts are among those that have uniforms for all grades.
The Tamaqua Area School District has had a partial school uniform requirement since 2005, with mandatory collared dress shirts or knee-length skirts and a limited range of colors, and a ban on baggy pants, shorts and jeans — but no specific uniforms.
There have been suggestions for school uniforms in the Catasauqua Area School District, but officials settled for a tougher dress code last September, and may revive the uniform idea later. Hoodies and tight jeans are still allowed, but not cleavage-advertising blouses, short-short skirts, pants that reveal skin, or spandex that reveals other things.
Personally, I never had to wear uniforms when I attended public school as a boy and I got in a lot of trouble. To be honest, however, I probably would have managed to get in trouble even with a uniform.
Later, when I helped teach English in Japanese schools as part of the U.S. People to People Program, I had my first close look at school uniforms. I thought they worked great, but I felt Japanese educators went a little overboard with discipline and those shaved-to-the-skin haircuts for boys and soup-bowl haircuts for girls.
In Allentown, more recently, parents who responded to surveys at various times said they favored a requirement for school uniforms by margins ranging from 63 percent to 86 percent.
That might be because the parents can weigh the cost of uniforms (a student could get by with just two or three, if necessary) against the cost of closets full of a separate funky Abercrombie & Fitch or Aeropostale outfit for each day of the month.
That leaves the nonfictional Kelly Bundy types and the hoodlums who want to display their gang symbols and colors — or underwear and tattoos — as the main opponents of the school uniforms idea.
Young people might even get the idea that taxpayers are going broke to provide education in the public school system, as opposed to providing fun and games.
Although some math test scores may suffer in certain situations, the overall advantages of unsexy school uniforms seem to heavily outweigh the disadvantages.
paul.carpenter@mcall.com 610-820-6176
Paul Carpenter's commentary appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
